JUST LIKE MY BROTHER

The window rolls down as a cloud of smoke reaches out to choke me.

“Have you been drinking?”

My brother smiles as he reaches out of the car and ruffles my hair. His eyes red from weed. His breath strong with the spirit of death.

“I asked you a question!” I scream as I pull at the handle.

Still, he doesn’t answer me. Instead, he smiles at me one more time before rolling up the window and blasting music.

“What’s wrong with you?” I scream as I bang at the window. Watching as he takes another sip from an almost empty bottle. Eventually pulling off. And fatally crashing three blocks later.

I’ve replayed the scene in my head so many times, and for the life of me, I still don’t understand it. How could someone so smart be so stupid? And how could someone so happy look so sad?

And soon I shall too.

There isn’t a single person on earth as pure as my brother was — the definition of an angel in disguise. He had a smile that would brighten any room. A laugh that made everyone happy. And a soul that made you believe you could fly.

And now he flies.

I chug what’s left in my cup. Grab my car keys. Head to the garage.

“Georgie?”

I turn around to see a pair of big brown eyes. Just like my brother. Chubby cheeks. Just like my brother. Long, curly hair. Just like my brother.

“Hey, big guy,” I say as I pick up my nephew. “Why are you up?”

“I had a nightmare about daddy,” he says as he lays his head on my shoulder.

I hold him tight, “me, too.”

“Why’d he leave us?” he asks for the millionth time, trying not to cry but still staining my shirt with tears.

“I want to know, too.” I put him down, and I ruffle his hair. “Go back to sleep.”

“Will you be back soon?” My heartbroken nephew calls out to me as I pull the door open.

“I love you,” I say, closing it before he can say anything else. I climb into my car as my heart races fast, but I’m hopeful that this car races faster. As the garage door opens, I can hear the sound of rain. Not too long after a flash of lightning strikes in front of me. And for a moment, I’m blinded. And for a second moment, I swear I can see my brother in the light.

So, I take another sip from an almost empty bottle.

As I speed down the street, I can see my mom running after me, tiny in the rearview mirror. With all her might, she chases me, but deep inside she knows I’m too far gone.

My nephew must’ve woken her up. Smart kid. Just like my brother.

I press on the gas even harder until she’s a blur in the mirror. And on my dashboard, she calls, but on my dashboard, she’s already a blur.

Faster and faster, I speed down the street. Faster and faster, my heart races. Faster and faster, I chug. And as I toss the bottle to the floor, my eyes leave the road for a second. And as they return, my eyes lock with a startled man holding a toddler as he crosses the street. And just before I hit them, everything goes black, and the sound of a loud crash echoes in my head. Not long after, I open my eyes, finding myself standing in a white space of absolute nothingness.

“You’ve always followed me.” Tears fill my eyes, and my legs go weak. “Better than my own shadow.” I look up to see my brother standing over me, my sight still blurry. “But not here. It’s time for you to go home.”

“Why’d you do it!” I scream. My tears drown me, but it’s my broken heart that causes me to suffocate.

“You shouldn’t be here,” he smiles at me. “But I guess I do owe you an answer. I should’ve told you I was drowning,” his voice breaks for the first time ever, and for the first time ever, I can feel his pain. “I always wanted to be perfect. I had to. I felt like this family deserved something perfect.” For a moment, I can see his face saddened. “We’ve been through so much. We’ve all been robbed of happiness too many times to count. I just wanted to be everything this family needed to not only survive but be happy. But the truth is, I was never strong enough to carry all that weight alone. You’ve always been the strong one.” He gets on his knees and pulls me closer, “I’m so sorry.”

I pull away, “you’ve always said you love me. Why didn’t you love me enough to stay alive?”

“Because living became too hard.” He starts smiling again. “But it’s okay now, because…”

“Will you stop! Stop acting like everything is okay when it’s not! You’re dead! You broke me! You broke mom! You left your son! You…”

“And you’re about to break our family again.”

His words shatter me. And all of a sudden, my vision isn’t so blurry. “I…”

“I messed up. We all know it. But please don’t make the same mistake that I did.” He starts to disappear. “Because just like me, you have someone looking up to you.” He’s gone.

Everything around me vanishes. Not long after, I find myself back in the car. As the garage door opens, I can hear the sound of rain. Seconds later, a flash of lightning strikes in front of me. And for a moment, I’m deaf. And for a second moment, I swear I can hear my brother say, “I will always protect this family.”

Soon, my vision clears, and I see my nephew sitting in the back seat staring at me as I quickly sober. My heart stops, but my arms are quick to embrace him. And I break down, ashamed that I was too drunk to even notice he was about to follow me to the grave. Not long after, my mom opens the door and looks at me, tears filling her eyes as she quickly understands the situation.

“I’m not going anywhere!” I cry as I pull my nephew close and lock eyes with her. “I promise I’m not leaving anyone!”