I closed the door shut and leaned back against it as if it wouldn’t stay shut without the weight of my body. I felt like I had half the world chasing after me. An exaggeration, yes, but…
…that’s the only way to describe it all.
“Some days have to be bad. They just have to be ya hear me?” That’s what Grammy – my grandma – would always tell me. “See, because those are the moments you truly learn to appreciate the good ones. And find out who you really are deep down within,” she’d always add with a smile and buttery southern tone that always felt like warm kisses to my ears. “I believe in you, but sweet boy, you have to, too.”
Grammy could do anything. And from the day I was born she has shown me what it means to have a strong will. I mean, the proof is in the fact she lived to be 100 years old. And she was always so good to me. And the one who believed in me no matter what.
I remember the day she passed so vividly. And it’s forever etched into my memory. But I’ve grown to accept that. Because it’s a reminder that she’s always with me. Through every path I take. Waiting for me to make her proud.
Unfortunately, that’s a difficult task. I was never like those good kids that never got in trouble. I was one that always had to learn the hard way. And honestly, I don’t think that’s a bad thing. Or maybe it is. And that’s just an excuse I gave myself. So that I don’t have to face the truth. The truth that I have failed to make Grammy proud for so many years.
I’m too old to be making stupid mistakes. But here I am. Making the same ones. Again and again. Which makes it clear why my luck has been…well…shitty.
I lost my job today. But that’s not the worse part of it. I also lost Nicole, my girlfriend. Not because we broke up or were unhappy. But she’s moving far away. Out the country. And I just don’t have the funds to follow. So, I decided to support her from afar.
Not to mention the letter I’ve been dreading finally arrived. Apparently, I’m out of time and I’ve gotta start paying towards my student loans. But I’m broke.
Later in the day I felt a change in me. Probably from the stress. Like something snapped. And just like that I had a superpower—the ability to read minds.
I know it sounds weird but trust me…I could hear the world louder than ever before. And it wasn’t their mouths that spoke to me. It was the voices that lived in their heads.
It was fun. Walking around and hearing what goes on in people’s minds. Hearing their doubts. Resentments. Even failures. All the things that I could relate to myself. It made me feel normal for once.
Unfortunately, this was short-lived. For just like in those movies, them folks with powers of the mind…yeah…they often struggle quite a bit. Because without discipline or guidance, there’s no way of knowing how to turn it all off.
And louder they got. So loud that I no longer had a voice that I recognized as my own in my head. Instead, I only heard the voices of everyone else. Words that would haunt me.
Luckily, I always carried two items – my headphones and my weed. So, I turned on my music and smoked until the world sounded muffled. And it worked for a while, too. It worked until it didn’t.
I was sitting on a cold metal bench in a quiet dog park downtown. Finally enjoying the silence I so craved.
An older couple was walking by. They were cute. Dressed in luxuries I couldn’t even dream of. And as our eyes met I could read their minds. I could hear their judgmental voices. Clearly, I must look a mess, but calling me failure is just rude. And saying I have nothing to live for is even worse. And to make it all more annoying, they had the audacity to smile and wave at me as they passed. Not knowing that I knew exactly what was really going on in their minds.
So, I smiled back at them and flicked my joint. I stood up and walked across the street. Straight to the liquor store. Down an aisle. And popped the top off a bottle of cheap bourbon. And I chugged it. I chugged it until I could no longer hear a thing.
When I got to the cashier, I placed the empty bottle on the scanner. And I could clearly see the look of judgment on his face. But I couldn’t hear ’em. So, happily, I paid and left. Walking into the world. And stumbling about the streets.
For hours I wandered in silence. No worries. Feelings. Doubts. No voices either. Just a goofy grin on my face as I all but danced down the crowded city paths. Happy. Finally happy.
Until the alcohol started wearing off. And the voices started to crawl back into my head. Flooding me. Overwhelming me until my heart raced. Until I couldn’t breathe. Until I passed out.
At least that’s what the doctor told me as I woke up in a hospital gown. He said I had a panic attack. That I passed out and hit my head on something. That I even managed to pee my pants.
But after not too long I was good to go. And as those hospital doors slid open, the sun was the first to greet me.
Unfortunately, as I walked down the street, the voices were back. So, I ran. I ran faster than I’ve ever ran before. Dashing through my house. Running into my room. And slamming the door shut before leaning against it.
But that didn’t silence the noise. In fact, as I walked away from the door the voices seemed to get louder.
So, I ran to the bathroom and tossed water to my face. Taking deep breaths in, and long breaths out.
And as I opened my eyes…and they met with my reflection…tears began to stream down my cheeks. For I realized the truth. I didn’t have a superpower. I couldn’t read minds. And those voices I’ve been hearing. The judgement. Doubts. Hate. They’ve been my own.
I glanced down at the photo I had tucked into my mirror. It was my absolute favorite. It’s the one me and Grammy took after we won a bowling tournament together a few years ago. She was 97 at the time.
And as I stared at that photo my eyes began to flood even more. For I knew I’ve failed her. And I’ve also come to a terrifying realization. That, though it’s only felt like a day. Two max. It’s really been over 200.
It’s been over 200 days since I started smoking. Drinking. Going numb to the world around me. And I never even noticed. The days went by so fast.
I was embarrassed. Ashamed. Sad.
But I couldn’t look away from my reflection. I had to look at the person I’ve become. I had to look at the person I never wanted to be.
And just as my eyes went dry. For there were no tears left. A soothing, buttery southern tone touched my ears like warm kisses. And sent a chill down my spine.
“The good days aren’t too far away.” I could hear her so clearly. In the only voice that has ever managed to make me feel safe. And the only voice powerful enough to silence all the others. “I’ve always been proud of you RJ. So let go. Free yourself. I believe in you, but sweet boy, you have to, too.”
Her voice then faded away. But her words still lingered within my heart.
Finally freeing my mind. And reminding me what my superpower really was.
Just like only Grammy could.
