I close my eyes. The sound of people clinking glasses is beautiful, almost like wind chimes. Why, then, do I feel so unbearably sad? When I open my eyes and look around the table I see…
Everyone I’m closest to. But how close is a thousand miles?
Two shots.
The first one feels like pain, but the second feels like acceptance. As it goes down my throat it burns just like the first, but now, I’m numb to it.
Today I celebrate the biggest accomplishment of my life – signing a record deal. And now, I’m the first person in my family to have a dollar to his name. Though, for every dollar I have now, so does my family. Especially my mom.
Though she couldn’t be here today, she video-called. She had tears in her eyes the whole time, too. I just wish I knew if those tears were from happiness or the sad memories of how much she’s sacrificed and lost.
I’m overwhelmed by emotion. A cluster of feelings that rock me back and forth like a pebble in the ocean. As it sinks.
“PJ, you good?”
My best friend’s voice pulls me back to reality, “Yeah, bro. Why?”
“Just checking,” he smiles. “Cheers bro,” he lifts his glass.
“Cheers,” I say.
Today, though I sit at a table much too crowded, at least I know without a shadow of a doubt he deserves to be here. For so long he’s been the voice of reason in my life. The one person that has always kept me focused.
I can’t say the same for anyone else, though. And as I sit here, though the spotlight is on me, I feel like a shadow. Not once has anyone else at this table given me a proper congratulations. It’s only been: You’re going to be rich. What are you going to do with the money? Bitches this. Bitches that.
I hate it so much. I can no longer tolerate these shallow conversations. And the closer I get to my goals the harder it is for me to entertain them. How can anyone believe that I did this for money when I’ve grown used to not having any. Or for women. I don’t care about any of that. I just want to see my parents happy, and I want to figure out what makes me happy. I never even wanted to do music. But I’m not foolish enough to ignore a talent bestowed upon me by God.
“Bro,” my best friend shakes my shoulder. “They’re calling you.”
“Huh?”
“It’s time to shine big dawg,” he smiles.
I look up to see all eyes on me. Slowly I stand, feeling the weight of it all pressing down on me. As I walk to the front, I make sure to avoid eye contact with anyone. I’m terrified.
I stand on the stage. Grab the mic. “First, I’d like to thank God.” The music starts. “And mom,” I smile at the camera. “This one’s for you.”
I put my soul into the performance. As words fly out my mouth, sweat flies from my forehead. And for a moment, I’m happy. But as I keep performing in front of all these top music executives and billboard artists, I can’t help but notice the spotlight is still over the table I was sitting at. And for the life of me, I can’t seem to pull my gaze from it. Though the constant shallow conversations and the feeling that I was surrounded by vampires annoyed me, I’ve grown to accept it – I hate being alone.
However, the one thing I can’t seem to stomach is betrayal. And as I perform, I can’t forget how two people who sit there have betrayed me in the worst way. And they don’t even know I know.
When I finish there’s a loud cheer. And for the first time, I realize my own tears. As I put the mic back on the stand, I smile. But on the inside I’m dead.
As I walk through the crowd of executives singing me praise. As I shake the hands of bigger-than-life artists. As I wipe the tears from my eyes. I hate it all. And I’ve made up my mind that I’m quitting once my family is good.
I don’t wear jewelry. I don’t care for designer. And I honestly don’t need a lot of money to be happy. For me, it’s always been the simple things. I guess, that’s why I feel like I’ve sold my soul. And my friends, the people at that table, all told me to. Everyone, but my best friend. He actually told me I could quit chasing the dreams that weren’t mine a long time ago. To do what made me happy. But since I could never figure out what did, I decided to at least make sure the people around me experienced it.
After the event, I came home to take a moment for myself. And not too long after I find myself waking up from a nightmare – in it I died.
I remember being out with friends and getting into it with some others loud mouths. Before I knew it, chairs were being thrown, and profanity that would make any sailor proud. I even cracked someone across the head with a bottle. But as I’m thick in the middle of it all, I feel something cold slide into my side. And just as I look down, I see blood pour from me. And just as I look up, I see no one standing next to me. Just my best friend pushing on the wound as I died. Screaming at me. Reminding me of all my goals. Sacrifices. My mom. But everyone else, they were gone. That’s the last thing I remembered before waking up.
Later that night, I went out with some friends. And though, I’m having the time of my life, I can’t shake that dream. Because deep inside, I know I’m allowing betrayal to live too close to me. And more than that, how dangerous that is.
“Bro,” one of my friends calls out, “buy us shots. It’s time to turn up!”
Absent-mindedly, I throw money on the table. Just like I always do. Though, this is the first time that money is clean. And like always, they run to it and disappear to indulge in the sins of this city. And if they said thank you before leaving, I didn’t hear them.
And as I look from the VIP section all I see is my friends celebrating with everyone, but me. And something in me snaps. And quickly, the dark club becomes light compared to my heart. Because at this moment I know it’s time to silence the betrayal before it can silence me.
Hours later my friends came back. Drunk, drugged up, and barely recognizable. But I can’t recognize myself either. And as I reach my hand under my shirt, my fingers wrap around cold metal. And I know I’m going to kill those who betrayed me before they have a chance to wrong me again. And as I pull the gun out on the two that stand in front of me…
Two shots.
The first one feels like pain, but the second feels like acceptance. As it goes through my back it burns just like the first, but now, I’m numb to it.
